Act III Scene I (outside of Antipholus of Ephesus' House)
Gangstafied by Jack La Jeunesse
(Enter Dromio and Antipholus of Ephesus, along with Balthazar and Angelo)
Ant: Yo, Senor Angelo, be a swell chap and tell my wife that we were held up at your shop, dat woman goes CRAZY when I come home late. But whatever you do, don’t be a dingis like Dromio here, who claims I beat his ass, asked him for gold, and denied my marriage and household. WTF is your problem, Dromio?
Drom: Hey man, I sees what I sees, and I sees you with yo fists of fury wailin’ on me in the market this very day. My skin is still bruised like mad, dog!
Ant: Jackass…
Drom: Jackass?! Yo man, you is lucky I ain’t all up in yo grill right now! An eye fo’ an eye, dat’s what I say, homedog!
Ant: Whatever, iron-sides, just shut up and open the freakin door!
Drom: Yo maids, Bridget, Maud, servants, etc., get yo asses out here dis very minute and open up the damn door!
(Dromio of Syracuse enters)
Drom Syr: Hey stick-shift, back the hell up from the door!
Drom Eph: Whoa, chill out butterscotch! Da master wants to enta his crib!
Drom Syr: Well tell yo master to beat it, cuz the real master is in da house!
Ant: Yo, who da hell is dis fool? Hey snack-shack, shutup and open the door!
Drom Syr: Don’t you get all uppity with me, homefries, what’s yo business here?
Ant: Business? Food is my business! I haven’t eaten today and I have one serious case of the munchies!
Drom Syr: Well you can take yo muchies elsewhere, cuz I ain’t letting you pass!
Ant: What’d you say, fool? Dis here’s ma crib! Who is yo ass to say I can’t come in?
Drom Syr: I is da gatekeeper of dis establishment, and my homies call me Dromio.
Drom Eph: WHAT? Dromio is my name, yo, not his! There must be weird things goin on round here, LAwd have mercy on my soul!
(Enter Luce from within)
Luce: Dromio! What in the name of Kentucky fried chicken is goin on around here? Who are these rapscallions pounded on the gate? Its not bingo night!
Drom Eph: Yo luce, you know me, its Dromio, dog! We is like brothers man! Do us all a favor and tell Dingis Khan Delta in there to let us in! Da master is getting hungry!
Luce-Sorry man, yo master should have shown up earlier, I can’t let y’all in!
Drom Syr: True Dat, Luce!
Ant: Hold up just one damn second! Luce, if you is the sound of my voice you had better let us in, boy! This ain’t funny, ya hear?!
Luce-Sorry, no can do, General Nonsense!
Ant: Nonsense, I’ll show you nonsense, fool! Fo da last time, let me in!
Luce-Not till you tell why yo ass is here in da first place!
Drom Eph: Master, enough of this jack-slack jargon, its time to lay the smackdown on dis here door!
Luce-Smackdown? More like crazy town! Not even Shaq could get past dis gate!
Ant: Oh, I’m goin to kill this little raggedy-ass buttmuffin faster than two-pock killed biggy!
(Enter Adriana)
Adr: Wats all da commotion about? I’m trying to take a siesta!
Drom Syr: Sorry, Ma’am, but a gang of riff-raff has pugnaciously demanded entrance into your abode.
Ant: Is dat you, suga? You certainly took yo time gettin here!
Adr: Who you callin sugar, you country bumpkin? Now beat it before I get the Po-Po down here!
Ang: This blows, man
Balth: Dat be da truth, brotha, Anthipholus’s crib is never fly when his wife’s in da house
Ant: Ok, party’s over fools, some fool call big Tony and get a wrecking crew down here pronto!
Drom Syr: You break it you buy it!
Drom Eph: Who’s gonna buy my nose, it’s gonna be broken pretty damn soon!
Ant: Hold up, fools, I need a catapult, a few sticks of dynamite, and a copy of dis month’s Marthas Stewart Living Magazine.
Drom Eph: What da hell do you need dat ol’ jailbird fo?
Ant: I don’t know, man, just get it! I’m goin break dis door down and den y’all is goin to be sorry!
Balthazar: PEACE! Everybody chill! Antipholus, dis situation ain’t cool, dog. You and yo Misses need to vent, so lets go hit a gentlemen’s club or somethin, cuz I don’t want no trouble in deez parts.
Ant: Dat be a good idea, fools. Let’s beat it and go chill wit Krystal, dat girl knows how to partayyy! Yo angelo, go snag dat chain bought fo my wife, she don’t deserve it, we’ll give it to Krystal instead, she’ll make it look fly!
Angelo-Dat sounds good, chief! See you dere!
Ant: Peace, homies, dis here joke is gonna cost me a whole lotta dough!
(they exit)
Act 3 scene 2 - Inside the House
Enter Luciana and Ant S
Luc: do you not love my sister anymore? Did you just marry her for the money? If you did at least treat her well. If you are cheating on her you’re doing a pretty bad job hiding it. Don’t let her know your cheating: call her your wife and please just comfort her.
Ant S: please tell me, what your name is; I honestly have no idea who you are. I must say though I am not married to your sister, in fact I think you’re way more attractive. I think I love you, not your sister.
Luc: ARE YOU KIDDING!?!? HAVE YOU GONE CRAZY?!?!
Ant S: Crazy in love. You know I’m single, you’re single, and we should get married.
Luc: Why are you saying you love me? You should love my sister. I’m going to get her so she can sort this out.
[exit Luc]
[enter dro s]
Ant S: Dromio! How’d you get here so fast?
Dro S: Am I Dromio? Everyone is being so ridiculous I feel like I don’t even know myself anymore.
Ant S: you are definitely Dromio don’t worry.
Dro S: Well apparently I’m married.
Ant S: To who?
Dro S: Some hideous grimy kitchen maid. She is so greasy you could shine a shoe with her face.
Ant S: I’m sure a shower could do wonders for her.
Dro S: no way, noah’s flood could even help her grime.
Ant S: What’s her name?
Dro S: Nell, she’s really quite fat.
Ant S: ew.
Dro S: she is so fat, she looks like a perfect sphere, like a globe.
Ant S: Where on her body is Ireland?
Dro S: On her butt
Ant S: where is Scotland?
Dro S: in the palm of her hand.
Ant S: where is france?
Dro S: on her forehead.
Ant S: Ok well enough of that I think I get the point that she is really ugly. Go pack the bags I want to get out of here.
[exit Dro s]
Ant S: this place is full of crazy people! I can’t believe everyone thinks I’m married!
[enter Angelo]
Angelo: Sup Antipholus
Ant S: yeah that’s my name don’t wear it out.
Angelo: Well I brought you your fresh new chain, sorry it took me so long to finish it.
Ant S: what do you want me to do with this?
Angelo: Anything you want I made it for you.
Ant S: What!?
Angelo: yes it’s for you; I’ll come back later to get my money.
Ant S: just take it now, just in case I decide I want to leave.
Angelo: thank you dude!
[exit Angelo]
Ant S: this thing is fresh! I could never refuse such a nice piece of jewelry. I hope the ships are ready I need to get out of here…
Gangstafied by Jack La Jeunesse
(Enter Dromio and Antipholus of Ephesus, along with Balthazar and Angelo)
Ant: Yo, Senor Angelo, be a swell chap and tell my wife that we were held up at your shop, dat woman goes CRAZY when I come home late. But whatever you do, don’t be a dingis like Dromio here, who claims I beat his ass, asked him for gold, and denied my marriage and household. WTF is your problem, Dromio?
Drom: Hey man, I sees what I sees, and I sees you with yo fists of fury wailin’ on me in the market this very day. My skin is still bruised like mad, dog!
Ant: Jackass…
Drom: Jackass?! Yo man, you is lucky I ain’t all up in yo grill right now! An eye fo’ an eye, dat’s what I say, homedog!
Ant: Whatever, iron-sides, just shut up and open the freakin door!
Drom: Yo maids, Bridget, Maud, servants, etc., get yo asses out here dis very minute and open up the damn door!
(Dromio of Syracuse enters)
Drom Syr: Hey stick-shift, back the hell up from the door!
Drom Eph: Whoa, chill out butterscotch! Da master wants to enta his crib!
Drom Syr: Well tell yo master to beat it, cuz the real master is in da house!
Ant: Yo, who da hell is dis fool? Hey snack-shack, shutup and open the door!
Drom Syr: Don’t you get all uppity with me, homefries, what’s yo business here?
Ant: Business? Food is my business! I haven’t eaten today and I have one serious case of the munchies!
Drom Syr: Well you can take yo muchies elsewhere, cuz I ain’t letting you pass!
Ant: What’d you say, fool? Dis here’s ma crib! Who is yo ass to say I can’t come in?
Drom Syr: I is da gatekeeper of dis establishment, and my homies call me Dromio.
Drom Eph: WHAT? Dromio is my name, yo, not his! There must be weird things goin on round here, LAwd have mercy on my soul!
(Enter Luce from within)
Luce: Dromio! What in the name of Kentucky fried chicken is goin on around here? Who are these rapscallions pounded on the gate? Its not bingo night!
Drom Eph: Yo luce, you know me, its Dromio, dog! We is like brothers man! Do us all a favor and tell Dingis Khan Delta in there to let us in! Da master is getting hungry!
Luce-Sorry man, yo master should have shown up earlier, I can’t let y’all in!
Drom Syr: True Dat, Luce!
Ant: Hold up just one damn second! Luce, if you is the sound of my voice you had better let us in, boy! This ain’t funny, ya hear?!
Luce-Sorry, no can do, General Nonsense!
Ant: Nonsense, I’ll show you nonsense, fool! Fo da last time, let me in!
Luce-Not till you tell why yo ass is here in da first place!
Drom Eph: Master, enough of this jack-slack jargon, its time to lay the smackdown on dis here door!
Luce-Smackdown? More like crazy town! Not even Shaq could get past dis gate!
Ant: Oh, I’m goin to kill this little raggedy-ass buttmuffin faster than two-pock killed biggy!
(Enter Adriana)
Adr: Wats all da commotion about? I’m trying to take a siesta!
Drom Syr: Sorry, Ma’am, but a gang of riff-raff has pugnaciously demanded entrance into your abode.
Ant: Is dat you, suga? You certainly took yo time gettin here!
Adr: Who you callin sugar, you country bumpkin? Now beat it before I get the Po-Po down here!
Ang: This blows, man
Balth: Dat be da truth, brotha, Anthipholus’s crib is never fly when his wife’s in da house
Ant: Ok, party’s over fools, some fool call big Tony and get a wrecking crew down here pronto!
Drom Syr: You break it you buy it!
Drom Eph: Who’s gonna buy my nose, it’s gonna be broken pretty damn soon!
Ant: Hold up, fools, I need a catapult, a few sticks of dynamite, and a copy of dis month’s Marthas Stewart Living Magazine.
Drom Eph: What da hell do you need dat ol’ jailbird fo?
Ant: I don’t know, man, just get it! I’m goin break dis door down and den y’all is goin to be sorry!
Balthazar: PEACE! Everybody chill! Antipholus, dis situation ain’t cool, dog. You and yo Misses need to vent, so lets go hit a gentlemen’s club or somethin, cuz I don’t want no trouble in deez parts.
Ant: Dat be a good idea, fools. Let’s beat it and go chill wit Krystal, dat girl knows how to partayyy! Yo angelo, go snag dat chain bought fo my wife, she don’t deserve it, we’ll give it to Krystal instead, she’ll make it look fly!
Angelo-Dat sounds good, chief! See you dere!
Ant: Peace, homies, dis here joke is gonna cost me a whole lotta dough!
(they exit)
Act 3 scene 2 - Inside the House
Enter Luciana and Ant S
Luc: do you not love my sister anymore? Did you just marry her for the money? If you did at least treat her well. If you are cheating on her you’re doing a pretty bad job hiding it. Don’t let her know your cheating: call her your wife and please just comfort her.
Ant S: please tell me, what your name is; I honestly have no idea who you are. I must say though I am not married to your sister, in fact I think you’re way more attractive. I think I love you, not your sister.
Luc: ARE YOU KIDDING!?!? HAVE YOU GONE CRAZY?!?!
Ant S: Crazy in love. You know I’m single, you’re single, and we should get married.
Luc: Why are you saying you love me? You should love my sister. I’m going to get her so she can sort this out.
[exit Luc]
[enter dro s]
Ant S: Dromio! How’d you get here so fast?
Dro S: Am I Dromio? Everyone is being so ridiculous I feel like I don’t even know myself anymore.
Ant S: you are definitely Dromio don’t worry.
Dro S: Well apparently I’m married.
Ant S: To who?
Dro S: Some hideous grimy kitchen maid. She is so greasy you could shine a shoe with her face.
Ant S: I’m sure a shower could do wonders for her.
Dro S: no way, noah’s flood could even help her grime.
Ant S: What’s her name?
Dro S: Nell, she’s really quite fat.
Ant S: ew.
Dro S: she is so fat, she looks like a perfect sphere, like a globe.
Ant S: Where on her body is Ireland?
Dro S: On her butt
Ant S: where is Scotland?
Dro S: in the palm of her hand.
Ant S: where is france?
Dro S: on her forehead.
Ant S: Ok well enough of that I think I get the point that she is really ugly. Go pack the bags I want to get out of here.
[exit Dro s]
Ant S: this place is full of crazy people! I can’t believe everyone thinks I’m married!
[enter Angelo]
Angelo: Sup Antipholus
Ant S: yeah that’s my name don’t wear it out.
Angelo: Well I brought you your fresh new chain, sorry it took me so long to finish it.
Ant S: what do you want me to do with this?
Angelo: Anything you want I made it for you.
Ant S: What!?
Angelo: yes it’s for you; I’ll come back later to get my money.
Ant S: just take it now, just in case I decide I want to leave.
Angelo: thank you dude!
[exit Angelo]
Ant S: this thing is fresh! I could never refuse such a nice piece of jewelry. I hope the ships are ready I need to get out of here…
[all exit]